It’s understandable that you’re feeling conflicted in this situation. You clearly care about your husband and want to address this issue out of love, but the defensiveness he shows makes it difficult to have an open conversation.
Here are a few suggestions on how to approach this:
Be Patient, but Firm: It’s great that you’ve already tried to approach the conversation with kindness and care. Sometimes, when people feel insecure about something, like bad breath, it can trigger defensiveness. Instead of pointing out the problem directly in a critical way, try offering solutions. For example, you could suggest seeing a specialist together, such as a dentist who can look into other underlying causes, or an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) doctor if it's more than dental hygiene. Reassure him that you want to address the issue as a team.
Emphasize Your Needs, Not Just the Problem: When talking to him, focus on how his breath is impacting your relationship rather than just pointing out the smell. Let him know that you miss being close to him, kissing him, and enjoying intimacy. Frame the conversation in a way that shows you’re motivated by the desire to reconnect, not just by frustration.
Suggest a Professional Consultation: Since he’s in the military, he might feel limited by the healthcare system. You can suggest looking into a private dentist or a specialized doctor if he feels the military options are inadequate. This could be framed as, "I want to help you get the care you deserve," rather than just highlighting the problem.
Create a Safe Space for Discussion: Try to approach the conversation when you’re both calm, not in the middle of a heated moment. Maybe bring it up in a gentle way during a relaxed evening, expressing your love for him and concern for your intimacy. Make sure he knows that you’re speaking out of care, not judgment.
Explore Possible Causes: If he’s genuinely trying his best with his dental hygiene, there may be other factors contributing to the bad breath, such as diet, stress, medication side effects, or even a medical condition (like acid reflux or a sinus issue). It may help to explore these together and encourage him to consider seeing a doctor.
Lastly, remember to be patient with him as he processes his emotions. It can take time for him to come to terms with the issue and take steps to fix it. Try to maintain the focus on the love and closeness you want to maintain rather than the discomfort the bad breath causes.
By framing the conversation with empathy and compassion, you’re more likely to help him feel less defensive and more willing to address the problem for the sake of both his health and your relationship.