Melissa Ulyssa3 days ago"I (36F) am currently in the final stages of my 12-year relationship with my partner (34M). We have a child together (around 3 years old) and have lived together for about 4 years. To sum it up, I’m emotionally checked out of this relationship, and I feel like I’m about to end things. I’ve been seeing a counselor for almost two years, working through a number of issues. Recently, the counselor pointed out that I tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men, and I’m starting to see myself repeating the same pattern. I have supportive friends who I can talk to, and I often process my emotions through writing. But despite all this, I’m struggling to find a solution and sometimes feel lost due to my strong desire for companionship and partnership. I’m wondering, what healthy strategies or practices have helped you deal with this type of behavior? How can I tell if my "radar" is malfunctioning, and what steps can I take to stop myself from falling into this cycle? Is it possible to break free from this pattern and move forward in a functional way? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you!" Answer: First, it sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things to support yourself through this tough time, including seeking therapy, talking to supportive friends, and reflecting on your patterns through writing. Here are some thoughts and suggestions to help you break the cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable partners and move forward: Self-Awareness and Acceptance: You’ve already taken a huge step in recognizing that you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable men and that this pattern exists. This kind of self-awareness is key to changing behavior. The fact that your counselor has pointed this out is an opportunity for you to examine why this pattern exists—what might this attraction fulfill for you emotionally? Sometimes, we subconsciously gravitate toward relationships that mirror unresolved issues or unmet needs from the past. Understanding this dynamic can help you start to untangle your emotions and find healthier ways to meet your needs. Healing and Personal Growth: Continue to focus on your healing and growth, both individually and in terms of your relationship. Therapy is a great space to explore the reasons behind your attraction to emotionally unavailable people. It could be tied to past experiences, such as attachment styles, family dynamics, or childhood relationships, which might have influenced how you perceive relationships and intimacy. Working on self-love, building a secure attachment to yourself, and reinforcing your sense of independence can shift the way you view future relationships. Boundaries and Standards: Reflect on the type of partner you truly want. What qualities are most important to you in a relationship? What do you need from a partner emotionally? Being clear about these aspects can help you avoid falling into the same traps. Developing clear boundaries around what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship can help prevent you from getting involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It’s also important to communicate your needs openly with potential partners. Focus on Your Own Fulfillment: Your desire for companionship and partnership is understandable, especially as you navigate the end of a long-term relationship. However, it’s important to find fulfillment within yourself first. Investing time in your hobbies, career, friendships, and personal growth will help you feel more grounded and less likely to settle for a relationship out of loneliness or fear of being alone. It will also shift your focus from trying to "fix" someone else to ensuring you’re in a healthy space emotionally before seeking a new partner. Take Time Before Jumping Into Another Relationship: After ending a relationship, it’s crucial to give yourself time to heal before entering another one. This allows you to reflect on the patterns you’ve noticed and to ensure that you’re emotionally available for a healthy relationship. Healing is a process, and it’s okay to focus on yourself before seeking out another romantic partner. Challenge Your "Radar": As for your “radar,” this may be a sign that it’s been conditioned over time. The key is to recalibrate it by actively choosing to look for different qualities in a partner—those that reflect your emotional needs and desires for a healthy connection. You can do this by examining your past relationships, identifying red flags that were missed or ignored, and learning from them. Over time, as you practice this new awareness, you’ll start to make different choices. Therapy and Healing Practices: In addition to continuing therapy, consider exploring practices like journaling, mindfulness, or self-compassion exercises to help you reconnect with yourself and build emotional resilience. These tools can help you feel more centered and less likely to be drawn into unhealthy patterns. Working on your emotional health and healing from past wounds will help you approach future relationships from a healthier mindset. It’s clear that you are actively working toward understanding your emotional needs and making healthier choices, and that's an important part of the process. Remember that it takes time, and there’s no rush. Focus on healing, self-love, and setting clear boundaries, and in time, you’ll find yourself making healthier, more fulfilling relationship choices. 1211
Melissa UlyssaMelissa Ulyssa